Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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