I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
