My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
