They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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