this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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