Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
