i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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