Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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