i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Are we still banned from the library?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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