Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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