I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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