We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
