How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
