I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
