At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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