Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
