you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
