I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
