is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
