Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
