Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
