but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
