I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
