...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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