nut hugger
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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