dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
