I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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