I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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