Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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