im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
