Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
