three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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