if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
