It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
