So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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