then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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