oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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