Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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