she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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