I am spending my child support on dildos
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So squirting runs in the family.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
