Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
