So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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