Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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