Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
