this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
