I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
