My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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