I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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