Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
