Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She needs sedatives and a leash
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
