First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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