I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
