I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
