If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
