The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wish you could order shots online.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I would fuck him just for his dog
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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