final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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