i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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